Posted by jadecanary on June 15, 2008

My father shot my mother when I was young.

Bet you didn’t think a Father’s Day post would start out like that, huh? Yep, it’s true. I was reaally young, so I only have other people’s accounts of the story. But needless to say, my sperm donor wasn’t a big part of my life. (Fun Fact: His name was Luther. Pretty close to the name of someone’s arch-enemy, huh?)

Then there was Nate. Nate took on my mom and three kids, even with his own first son being like, three months younger than my mom. Nate pushed us. Hard. He was verbally abusive. He was angry alot. He never beat the crap out of me, but I wished he did. That way┬áI could show the scars as opposed to just feeling them on the inside. I don’t think he ever understood why I wasn’t like Claude, his first boy.

Nate didn’t like race mixing. He wasn’t happy when my sister would bring home guys not of the caucasian persuasion. He was pissed that she was impregnated by a black man. He had no love for what became my favorite non-son, Tony. Well, until he got to know Tony. Funny how that happened.

Nate eventually divorced my mom. They were both miserable. When my mom was diagnosed with 4 tumors on her brain, she had the kids call up Nate. She told him, “I’ll see you in Hell!” That was funny.

So what have I learned from the two men that have claimed to be my dad during the most developmental years of my life?

(a Sunday Thirteen perhaps?)

1. Don’t shoot my wife. I’ll probably go to jail. That would suck.

2. The kid gets the point. If you make him stand there while you yell at him for two hours straight, he’s just gonna start to ignore you.

3. If I were to come home from work while the kids are home on summer break, instead of just drinking beer, watching TV and yelling at the kids to clean their rooms, I could maybe find something to do with them that they would enjoy.

4. Take real vacations with the kids, don’t just haul them around to conventions.

5. Children are not vacuum cleaners.

6. Don’t be afraid to say I’m sorry to your kids. They will forgive you instead of hate you.

7. Drinking is not a good answer to life’s problems.

8. If I subscribe to Playboy, the male children will find it. They get a porn detector when puberty starts.

9. Maybe if the child vomits up the green beans you are forcing him to eat after saying no to it for an hour, he doesn’t like it. And telling him you are calling Santa Claus and letting the big man know he’s not eating his green beans will not make the child love the vegetable.

10. Spankings may be painful, but it allows the family to rebound back to normal quicker then the child stuck in his room (solitary confinement) for two weeks. Those “hate spanking” parents and activists should think about that.

11. It’s just grass (I’m not talking marijuana).

12. Talk about everything with your kids. Even the stuff you think they don’t know anything about.

13. Say, “I love you”, and mean it with your actions. Money and TV are not always the best way to raise the kids.

I wish Luther was a better man. I understand he was a whiz with electronics I am told he could fix just about anything. I sometimes feel like some of that soaked through to me, but I lack the skills a father could pass down to a son.

Happy Father’s Day. I love you Kal.

16 days: Many miles away, in the basement of an establishment known for it’s arctic theme and abundence of alcohol, the proprietor looks over the last shipment of crates marked “cocktale napkins” and “olive skewers”. But these crates are a little heavier than your typical napkins and skewers. “When the gates come crashing down, I’m going to turn a huge profit! AWK AWK AWK!”


One Response to “Fathers”

  1. Jade Canary said

    Just wanted to let you know that I liked what you had to say. I was also glad to see that I wont be on the people to shoot list when you go postal. Love.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: